Family Security Matters » Publications » Exclusive: TelePrompter, Trusted Aide to the President, Dies in Freak Accident; Nation Mourns

Family Security Matters » Publications » Exclusive: TelePrompter, Trusted Aide to the President, Dies in Freak Accident; Nation Mourns

Americans are in a state of shock after the sudden death of TelePrompter, the close friend and confidante of President Barack Hussein Obama.

During a speech on urban and metropolitan policy in the Eisenhower Executive Building on Monday afternoon, the small glass screen came crashing down unexpectedly, shattering into tiny pieces at the president’s feet.

Keeping his usual aplomb, Obama said, “Oh, goodness. Sorry about that, guys,” and finished the speech by relying on the remaining screen and some notes on his podium. But according to a source who asked to remain anonymous for fear of Chicago-style retribution, the president was inconsolable afterward, sobbing and crying for a good ten minutes, in between puffs of his cigarette. “He wasn’t nearly this upset when his grandmother died,” our source said. “This has really been a blow.”

An official investigation is underway, but initial findings indicate that TelePrompter suffered a fatal collapse due to strain on its wires and circuits, brought on by constant use. Forensic scientist Dr. Henry Lee, who first rose to national prominence for his work in the infamous woodchipper murder in Connecticut in 1986, has agreed to take on the case.

Frank Smith, president of Digital Speeches, Inc., the company that provides teleprompters to the White House, said that the units had not been designed for such heavy use, and that the wear and tear was bound to take its toll. “Previous presidents have used teleprompters, yes,” he said, “but not for every single speech and press conference. Based on Obama’s heavy reliance on the technology, I’m surprised it’s taken this long for this tragedy to occur.”

After the president concluded his speech, he was rushed from the room by his Secret Service detail while a janitorial team cleaned up, carefully placing each shard of glass in an evidence bag for further examination. Reporters spoke in hushed tones, stunned by the emotional scene. A few even had tears in their eyes.

Speaking on his show Hardball on MSNBC, Chris Matthews summed up the feelings for many in Washington and around the nation. “The tingle that’s usually running up my leg whenever I talk about this administration has turned to a chill. This disaster nearly matches that of Hurricane Katrina back in 2005 – which makes me ask the question so many Americans are thinking: what was George W. Bush’s part in all of this? Does he hate teleprompters as much as he hates black people? I think it’s time for an official investigation into the former Bush administration with regard to their complicity in this incident.”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs noted that TelePrompter had been with the president since he first ran for the U.S. Senate back in 2004. “They were inseparable,” said Gibbs. “Everywhere Obama went, so did TelePrompter. Yes, even to the bathroom.”

A memorial service is being planned for next week in Grant Park, Chicago, where Obama celebrated his Messiah-like ascension to the White House. “It’s a fitting place – this is where the power grab really began for all of us,” said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel. When asked if the city of Chicago would end up footing the bill like they did for the November bash, he declined to comment. Rumor has it that the memorial service will outstrip that of Michael Jackson’s, which was attended by thousands and cost the city of Los Angeles $1.4 million. Celebrities already slated to attend are John Mellencamp, who believes that free speech is a “collective” thing, and Oprah Winfrey, who dubbed Obama “The One” during the campaign.

A national day of mourning is also being planned, with speculation that it could be turned into a national holiday. Postal stamps are also said to be in the works, giving race huckster Al Sharpton hope that Michael Jackson will be similarly honored.

What will the president do now? Well, there are other teleprompters, and he’ll certainly have to establish a relationship with a new one. “But just like a family member, TelePrompter cannot be replaced,” said Gibbs. “We lost one of our own.”