Family Security Matters » Publications » Exclusive: A Page from Barack Obama’s Diary – Al Gore May have Invented the Internet, but I’m Gonna Own It!

Family Security Matters » Publications » Exclusive: A Page from Barack Obama’s Diary – Al Gore May have Invented the Internet, but I’m Gonna Own It!

Dear Diary,

What a relaxing week it was in Martha’s Vineyard. Heck, not having to look at the sour pusses of Nancy Pelosi or Harry Reid for a week is a vacation in itself. Now if I could only dump Michelle for a few days! I’m back in the White House now, but later this week I’m headed off to Camp David in order to recuperate from all of this relaxation. Now that’s what I call a sweet deal.

But of course, as president, I’m always on duty. That’s the part about this job that I really don’t like, but don’t tell anyone I said so. I delivered a eulogy for Ted Kennedy, even though it pushed back my tee time, and I interrupted my faux news blackout to let the little people the American people know that I’m nominating Ben Bernanke for a second shot as Chairman of the Federal Reserve. He’s done such a crappy great job, I figured, why not prolong the agony let him keep doing great things for this nation? I figure he’s good for another manufactured crisis or two before all of this is over.

But what I’m really excited about these days, Diary, is this new Internet project I’m working on. I wanted to call it “I’m Taking Over the Internet Whether You Like It or Not,” but my advisors thought that was a little too revealing, so I went ahead with the suggestion to call it “Cybersecurity Responsibilities and Authority,” as a part of Senate bill 773 being ghostwritten by Sen. Jay Rockefeller and Sen. Olympia Snowe. (My pet name for him is Uncle Pennybags, and hers is Snow Job.)

Basically, this bill would give yours truly emergency control of the Internet. Technically, the idea is to secure our national cyber infrastructure from attack. Of course, what constitutes an emergency is really up for interpretation – my interpretation, with a little help from my fellow thugs closest advisors, Rahm and David. People wondered why we caved so quickly on the flag@whitehouse.gov? Here’s their answer.

If I could take over the Internet tomorrow, here are some of the changes I’d make right away:

• Get rid of GOOP.com, actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s web site. What kind of idiot names their website GOOP? And “nourish the inner aspect?” Too crunchy granola for me.
• No more websites that make fun of Michelle. Under that tough, buff exterior, she’s really very sensitive. (That, and she threatened to geld me if I didn’t do something about it.)
• Sites that make fun of me are probably the first thing on the chopping block, as citizens must not take the name of their Messiah in vain. However, graphics that depict me as a king, czar, Stalin or other totalitarians can stay – I get a kick out of seeing myself given the royal treatment. I also like the pictures of me as a doctor, as they remind me of my grand scheme to take over one-sixth of the U.S. economy. Ever wondered what my favorite color is? GREEN.
• “Birther” websites will be taken down, and their creators hunted down and re-educated by giving them a choice: prison time or joining my civilian national security force or ACORN. There’s a rumor that it was lost in a fire in 1972, but it really burned in my Oval Office trash can.
• The websites of any and all right-wing talk show hosts shall be suspended indefinitely. Take that, Glenn Beck!
• No more selling anti-Obama merchandise online! Where do these bitter clingers think they are, in a free country?
• Sites that continue to mock George W. Bush and other Republicans can stay. I need my daily dose of funny (not to mention fodder for my perpetual “blame someone else” machine).

And reporters who continue to ask inconvenient questions like this had better watch out. I’ll decide what is or is not prudent in an emergency. I’m battle-tested and ready. Well, er, no, I’m not, but that’s not the point.

You know, it’s funny. People got their panties in a bunch when George Bush wanted to monitor phone calls and e-mails in the name of national security. But ol’ George has got nothing on me! It helps that whenever anyone criticizes me or my policies, my attack dogs call them racists. Thank goodness for political correctness.

Oops, Diary, look at the time! I have to go. George Soros is waiting for an update on my progress. I’m sure he’ll be pleased.